Bustin' up a Starbucks

It's Saturday night. It's dark, and it sure feels cold out there. I just woke up from a nap, and still I'm tired. Do I stay in tonight or go out? As much as I don't feel like moving, I don't want to stay home alone.


It was very busy at work this morning. There were only two of us on teller duty and the line of members stretched all the way to Terra Haute. Don't get me wrong, compared to 5 or 6 hours in the box office on a weekend night, it was a piece of cake! But, we didn't get out until an hour and fifteen minutes after we closed. When I got home I was too tired to turn around and go back out to the gym. Plus, I was hungry so I made a tomato sandwich (on sourdough bread..yum!) I checked my email. Gina called and I talked with her for a while. She and Lu were heading to Disney/MGM Studios to catch Mia in the Fantasmic performance tonight. Mia has been in training to be in that show.

*** PHONE CALL ***

Mia called! She wanted to tell me that she got a part 2 nights a week in the Fantasmic show! For sure we were on the same wave length! I'll be going down to Orlando a week from this coming Wednesday and we've been planning what we're going to do when I'm down there. This will be my first trip to Florida since they moved there. We've got a lot planned and I can't wait! I miss Mia and Gina a lot! Mia's phone call turned my mood around! Now I know I'm not going to just sit here. "I goin' downstairs! I'm not goin' to stick around here like cloves on a baked ham! I'm gonna kick up ma heels!" [For those of you who are movie quote nuts....and that's me....that's from one of my favorite movies.]

Our eyes are open...

In the summer of 1968 I had a job with the New York State Education Department. I worked in a unit that administered professional licensing exams. This included exams for doctors, nurses and architects among others and it involved traveling to New York City for several days at a time. How lucky I was, to be 20 years old and getting to stay in NYC and explore the city in a time when the US was in a massive "upheaval"; what with LBJ still in the White House, Bobby Kennedy getting shot, and the Viet Nam War worsening with every newscast. 256 Viet Cong captured. An age of angst and alienation.

How lucky I was to be working with another art student, my age, with many of the same interests and concerns about where this nation was heading. We would go all over the city, down to the Village, art museums, jazz performances, restaurants...and Broadway plays. The highlight was when we went to see "Hair", billed as the "American Tribal Love-Rock Musical", and that it was! I remember feeling very excited about the message of the show, but in many ways, not really knowing exactly what it was, but that it was messed up!
Some of the lyrics had a profound affect on me, causing me to be at the same time, melancholy and exhilarated. Man! A spokes piece for our generation!

In listening to the music even today, I get a lot of the same feelings. And, here it is almost 40 years later....what has changed? At a point in my life after I have had many opportunities to look back and evaluate, why do I sometimes feel caught up in that same exact moment from way back? We are circular. Life is circular. Life is good. Life sucks. It's all of the above.

We starve; look; at one another, short of breath
walking proudly in our winter coats
Wearing smells from laboratories
Facing a dying nation
Of moving paper fantasy
Listening for the new told lies
With supreme visions of lonely tunes.

Somewhere
inside something there is a rush of
greatness
Who knows what stands in front of
Our lives
I fashion my future on films in space
Silence tells me secretly
Everything; Everything...

Singing; our space songs on a spider web sitar
Life is around you and in you...

Let the sunshine in...

A Blank Canvas

When I started posting to this blog, I wasn't really sure what I would write, or what direction this would go, or how often I would add a post. Today is one of those days. So far, I've received no inspiration, no bolt out of the blue, nothing. A blank canvas.
I'm reminded of the many assignments I had in college (I studied art... BFA from Syracuse University) and assignments in other visual arts and creative writing classes. What am I going to do??? Hours or days could be spent trying to develope an idea and nurse it along. Many times it was scrapped, and other times it led to one of the most enjoyable and exciting creations. I remember staying up all night several nights to build this "Pirates' Treasure Hunt" game....board, playing pieces, spinner, cards, map and treasure chest box. I remember some of my dorm mates joking about it... like all the little kids that would get hernias trying to bring out this game... Stupid poly sci majors!

So...This post is about nothing but an empty canvas, and the images and memories it brings to mind. I'll leave with one of my favorites: I did this drawing with color pencils, on illustration board, about 15" X 20". I was pondering what to put on that vast white space and went down to the vending maching and came back with a Milky Way bar. Hmmmmmm? I ripped open the wrapping a bit... split the candy bar so that some of the caramel would be stretched out...and proceeded to draw it, and color it in with a bazzillion colors! I still have it and it hangs, framed in my kitchen. The best part about it was that I got to eat it when I was done!

Time Travel Journey

I was sitting at the laundramat this morning, my iPod plugged into my ears, and writing in my "A Father's Legacy"journal. The topic was 'What places in the world would you still like to visit? Why?' My first thought was of my brand new (and very first!) passport, hidden in my apartment, waiting to be used. Italy! Of course!
Then my thoughts went to my son Joe. He was probably in a jet somewhere over the Atlantic on his way back home to NYC from the latest leg of his current freelance project. I was thinking back to all the places we went as a family when he was little and then as he grew and we welcomed more children on our travels. What fun some of those trips were! Joey poking Mickey Mouse in his big white button, Adele, "found" on that sofa in the lobby at the hotel in Galveston, Mia...head buried in my chest...gum stuck to my t-shirt after coming out of the Haunted Mansion, Gina being wisked away by Mr. Smee. And the odessy that Lu and I experienced on our trip to Hawaii years before we had children. Then, fast forward to taking the train to NYC with Dad, to visit Joe around Father's Day.


All of the trips, with all of the highlights and the not so good moments too, are etched in my brain. I recall them with a bit of nostalgia, but also with the knowledge that more trips are being planned. Florida...NYC...and Italy!

Music Triggers

My son turned me on to alternative and indie (am I hip enough to be spelling that correctly?) music. After I moved out of our home and into my own fairly empty apartment, I used to take a lot of walks. The weather was beautiful...it was late spring. It gave me time to think and to try to make sense of all that was going on. Sometimes I would bring my mp3 player. As gifts, my son had given me several mixes of some of his current favorites of independent and alternative musical groups. I was really surprised at how much good music there is out there! I'm a real airhead when it comes to music, but some of the melodies, and some of the beats, and some of the lyrics just blew me away. Some are so profound to me....maybe because they address my mood and situation at the time.

I've just returned from the post office and Dunkin Donuts. On the short drive home "Do You Realize?" by The Flaming Lips (yeah, that's what I first thought) was playing. It stikes a chord with me. Especially since I was going thru the breakup of my family and the death of my Dad. The words are both meloncholy and hopeful to me.

Do you realize - that you have the most beautiful face

Do you realize - we're floating in space

Do you realize - that happiness makes you cry

Do you realize - that everyone you know someday will die

And instead of saying all of your goodbyes - let them know
You realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun doesn't go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round

I guess the sun IS always shining!

A good day...

A little more upbeat entry:
Today has been a nice sunny autumn day...more leaves are changing. I made a new chicken dish for dinner.... chicken breasts with red/orange/yellow peppers roasted with a pineapple, coconut, mango and tequila sauce.... mmmmmmm. It was still warm in the oven when I got back from the gym. Sweet, with a little kick.

I ran 4.5 miles this afternoon at the gym.... tonight I'm going to the weekly men's support group. Many of us in the group have been doing things socially together, and that has been therapeutic. The sun does seem to be shining brightly today!

Sunday Night Thoughts....

It's late and I don't want to go to bed yet. I stay up late until I'm exhausted physically and mentally and emotionally....knowing that when my body hits the mattress, it will almost immediately fall asleep, and so will my thoughts. I've spent way too many nights laying there, my thoughts running all over the place. What did I do? How could I have done this? Why couldn't I be normal? How could I cause so much pain?

The grandfather clock strikes three times, but it's in the wrong room.

A shattered family. A scattered family. Emptying the house of 31 years of acquired things... important things, useless things. Things. Watching as strangers offer pennies for pieces of our lives. Eyes tearing as boxes are filled with pieces of the family....off to Good Will, off to the dump. What did I do?

Sunrise. Sunset. Just as life passes so quickly as a family together...it also passes quickly when the family is no more together. Time does help the pain to lessen. We all do move on. The sun will come out tomorrow.

Thru a year and a half of pain, and of grieving and of unthinkable changes, the sun does still shine. There is still love and there is still hope. I'm not sure what I will be writing. I'm not sure where I will take this. I'm still not sure where I am going. But, here I am. And the work progresses.

[Aside: Today (September 24) was my mother's birthday. She would have been 86. ]

Addendum: After writing this, I went to bed. Didn't fall asleep until around quarter to 5:00! Oh well! So much for tiring myself out to exhaustion! :-)